A hard morning but the days past were harder than today. Today I felt a sense of strength come over me. Today was the most positive day I’ve had in months. I wholeheartedly believe my Mom sent me strength for this day.

Strength to get out bed, strength to look through photo books this morning, strength to watch Church service with my dad, strength to FaceTime family, strength to support Cameron who just lost his mom suddenly in January, strength to just smile and laugh good belly laughs, strength to cry tears for good memories, strength to cry through some painful moments of the day, strength to go on an adventure through the mountains and really absorb nature’s beauty, strength in many ways. Strength to remember my Mom and fill my cup today with an endless love. My heart shatters in the moments when I realize I won’t ever get to hug her again or hear her supportive words. I cherish the endless memories. Those thoughts are the tough ones.

Today was surprisingly not such a down day. The sun was shining here in California and the day was smooth and positive. Filled with love from many angles. So grateful for the people in my life.

I remember this weekend in 2016. I found out that Mom wasn’t coming to KC with my dad but didn’t know why. I made a post before we FaceTimed and she told me the news that her cancer came back, stage 4, metastasized to her bones, and that we would have to ride it out because it was terminal. I couldn’t have imagined the journey that my Mom would take on for those next 3 years.. Interesting that I wrote in that post, “I would give my life for you Momma” because when I posted it, I didn’t even have a clue about the situation yet and never thought that I would soon be so helplessly saying those words again. There is an emptiness in my heart that I’ll never be able to explain. The same pain is here just like it was that weekend in 2016, just a different perspective, a stronger love, a different gratitude.

My heart goes out to those who have lost their Moms. It’s a pain I can’t explain. A piece of my identity left last year, a huge piece of my heart.