I watched Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s (AOC) response to the verbal abuse she endured from a fellow congressman as I waited for my flight, the morning of July 26th. Her response was strong and her refusal to be silent is the power that all women possess.

Interestingly enough, I had changed my flight that day and came home. That same evening around 10pm, I fell victim to very similar verbal abuse from a man.

A random man in my apartment building. I asked him, “can you please leash your dog?” as his dog came after mine, aggressively and would not stop. He brushed me off as he continued walking down the hall and then said, “say something again and I’ll punch you in your face” and then stated it a second time after I asked, “what?”. Shocked at what I just heard. From this moment on, I didn’t said another word. He ran towards me, backed me into a corner and raised his arm to hit me. A punch motion that he then raised higher to a back handed slap. All while calling me “a fucking bitch”, “you scared ass little bitch”, “fucking scared little bitch”, “what are you gonna do now?”. He proceeded to block me from entering the elevator and threatened me with, “I will watch what floor you get off on and give you a visit later, bitch”.

My world grew silent. As it has before.

I am sharing this because I will never be silenced, even when my own pain wants to shut down and stay silent. And especially when it comes to the mistreatment of others, I won’t stay silent. Just like AOC stated, my parents raised me to never take abuse from a man. I am someone’s daughter. I always want better for women, for people, all people, men included. And yes, I reached out for help, received the security camera footage and am pressing charges.

Just last year I received a restraining order on a man that I barely knew. A man that lied to me, manipulated me, emotionally abused me, threatened to kill me and told me I would die. I did nothing to deserve this. Not a damn thing. But yet, people will still say things and ask you questions to try and take away from your experience and put blame on you. This is not healthy. Abuse of any form does NOT require a woman to do something in order to receive abuse from a man. There is no prerequisite for abuse of any form. If a child showed up to school with a bruise under their eye stating it was from their parent, would you ask, “what did you do for them to hit you?”. No, you would meet them with compassion and love and recognize that it is wrong. My details for court were seven pages long and it was a two month process. The trauma, stress and anxiety were enough to send me to the ER a couple months later.

I had just lost my mom less than a year before. The woman who knew my pain inside and out and I knew hers. The woman who would meet me with compassion and unconditional love but yet, she was no longer here. I felt the emptiness in my heart more than ever. The loneliness is why I stand with those who are hurting because I can’t imagine what it would be like to have absolutely no one in your corner.

The entire restraining order process was eye opening in itself for all the women who have to jump through hoops for protection. Challenging, eye opening, traumatizing and shook me to my core. The advocates that helped me were angels. My people, you should know who you are, that were present for me and know what I was experiencing are angels in my life. You continue to be apart of my healing. I am grateful.

I have worked with women and parents of my students who’ve gone through this pain. I’ve had students go through this pain. Domestic abuse from men, domestic violence, sexual abuse, sexual coercion, reproductive coercion, manipulation, death threats and sadly, even women who have been killed by their significant other or women killed by men.

I had a student and her mother once confide in me that the student was raped the night before. When I received consent to share with other helping professionals, those “professionals” met me with, “well she’s been hanging with that rough group” and “have you seen what she’s been wearing lately?”. I’m not making any of this up. This really does happen. I was devastated for that girl. Devastated. Her own protectors were letting her down. How?

Years before, I’ve had men grab me at bars. I’ve had family and friends who were abused by men. I was drugged at a St. Patrick’s day party. I was blackmailed with a picture that someone else took of me while I slept and someone undressed me. I was drunk sleeping on a couch. Did I deserve that just because I was passed out? NO. I was threatened by men not to tell. I had a random man grab my hand and shove it down his pants while I was on a float trip with friends. I was scared for my life that night, as I slept, that I was going to be raped.

Why? Why do I know so many women who have endured this pain?

I know great men. I do. I believe they exist and I know more great men than men who have hurt others. Great people. I know great fathers, like my own. I know great male family and friends. I know great ex-boyfriends, too.

I know I am not alone here. I know there are women reading this who’ve experienced awful things. I know there are men reading this who know women, maybe even their own mothers or girlfriends or wives or sisters, who endured such pain.

I’ve been told I’m “too sensitive”, “not self aware”, and told to “get over it”. I’ve been told I “must’ve done/said something” first.

Just so you know, absolutely NO ONE gets to define what your experience was like. Nobody knows your experience better than you. Only YOU get to write your story.

Your people will show up with support, compassion, and a loving heart. If they show with judgement, criticism or doubt, you might reconsider who your people are.

Stories of the most resilient women, that were told they were now broken but refused to identify with that, are the ones who pressed on to be the strongest women we know today.

I tell you these stories to say, enough is enough. I won’t be silenced. I won’t silence myself and I won’t let the hurtful words of others silence me or others. Anyone who knows me knows that I overanalyze every single moment. I try my best to acknowledge my wrongs. I stay self aware. I have pain and I never said I was perfect. And I will stand with you as you hurt because I know pain, too.

Trauma is no laughing matter. Abuse has no room for those lacking compassion. And empathy is power.

So how do you meet people who share vulnerable stories? Are you judgmental or compassionate? Do you have clarifying questions to ask and does that person have the capacity to answer at the time or do they just want you to listen? Are you leaning in or are you stepping away? Are you, yourself, struggling to take it all in because you’re going through so much yourself? Are you verbalizing that your capacity is low but you want to support them in some way? If you’re the hurting one, are you asking your people if they have the capacity to listen to you? Are you setting boundaries? Are you showing up for your people? Can you do more for your people that are hurting? Do you need more from your people to help you heal?

Many times my cup is empty. I continue to pour from it and I do more damage than good to myself. In turn, there are times I hurt others. It pains me to type that. But an unhealed self can produce hurtful words or actions. Accountability will be your friend if you right your wrongs. Forgiveness comes and shame leaves. Acknowledge where the hurt is coming from. Why did your energy shift and what’s the real problem?

For the women who meet other women with judgement, criticism and lacking compassion, I hope and pray you never have to endure the pain of domestic abuse, domestic violence, verbal abuse, sexual coercion or anything from a man. I hope and pray these situations never happen to your daughter, sister, cousin, friend, mother. But it does. We must do better when we support each other. We should not feel like we have to silence our pain.

Check your compassion and empathy at the door.

It’s always a good time to do the right thing. Stand up for each other. Stop the shaming, blaming and gaslighting. Start listening, loving and supporting your people.

Show up for your people.

Healing is a journey. You are not alone.