These hard days. Dark days. As I sit with a patient and her daughter in the hospital room. I come in with a task at hand. But, what I gain is human connection, a raw experience, vulnerability, a story and a journey. I gain a reminder to the preciousness of life, a reminder of what life is all about. Slow. Down.

A woman fighting for her life, right now, in this very moment, in this hospital bed. Her fear is rooted deep, anxiety is at the surface and reality is unbearable. As she fights a terminal cancer.

Her daughter, focused, anxious, scared. Trying, with everything she has, to remain the strong one for them both. Her eyes. I see her but also see the little girl within. A life without her mom isn’t right. Emotions turning to stress. Pressure. Make sure everything is right, everything is planned, everything is perfect, there is no other way, nothing can go wrong.

Let me ease your way, I tell them.
We are stressed, they say.
Give me that to carry.
Even if it’s just for today.
Let me take the weight.
Be together.
Hold hands.
Precious moments are here.
Let me ease your way.

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Grieving, healing, breathing.. Sunday morning, I went to my first in-person Church service since the pandemic started. As my friend and I sat in service, I felt overwhelming emotions as we listened to the message about intentional and shamelessly bold prayers.

I felt something happening in my body. A heaviness but a lightness. It was emotionally moving me. My phone buzzed and a calendar notification came through. It reminded me that my Mom’s funeral service and burial was exactly two years ago on this day. I felt out of breath.

I value honoring space to remember these moments each year. It brings me closer when I feel so far away.

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Letting the tears flow.. Allowing them to just be, and not sure when the heaviness will lift.. Trusting. Trusting that all will be well.

Grieving..

Grief is a reflection that we not only lost but we loved. Wholeheartedly. With every ounce of our being. We loved.

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Gratitude.. Grateful for so much.. for this life, the experiences, family, friends, new friends, breathing fresh air, walking barefoot.. This life, like yours, has not been easy.

But today and every day, when we lean into gratitude, we return to ourselves. Healing begins the moment you realize you left. So extend yourself a little more grace and more compassion than you have been.

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I had been so desperate to heal, I couldn’t see that I was healing all along..

~ On Jan 1, 2020, I sat in my apartment in Kansas City listening to a podcast about the new year coming and I journaled that my word for the year would be “gentle”.

I had no idea what was to come, but 2019 was so awful that I was sure 2020 would be my year to heal and rebuild. Healing sounds peaceful but the journey is incredibly messy. I had no idea what was in store. My world was in shambles and I was living in survival mode.

2020 has shown us many, many times that we MUST be more gentle and compassionate – with ourselves, with others and with our communities. Continue reading →

I watched Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s (AOC) response to the verbal abuse she endured from a fellow congressman as I waited for my flight, the morning of July 26th. Her response was strong and her refusal to be silent is the power that all women possess.

Interestingly enough, I had changed my flight that day and came home. That same evening around 10pm, I fell victim to very similar verbal abuse from a man.

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A hard morning but the days past were harder than today. Today I felt a sense of strength come over me. Today was the most positive day I’ve had in months. I wholeheartedly believe my Mom sent me strength for this day.

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Someone who is introspective spends considerable time examining his own thoughts and feelings.

I’ve been in my head a lot lately

Analyzing every experience

Current, future and past

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Instagram is interesting, I love it most days. I love making posts and sharing what I love. I don’t show the bad times, the sad times, the tears or any of that.. Not many people do. It’s interesting because we can get this altered version of how someone’s life is going when an instagram post is the farthest from reality. Continue reading →

Tonight I caught myself.. I caught myself before I fell again, listening to the negative words inside my head that I am not good enough, that my body is not good enough. Not that I said those words exactly but instead I was saying, I need to look like that, need to work harder, need to look good enough, need to try more, need to eat better, need to get motivated, need to drink more water, need to be something more than I am… And then I caught myself, and started to type this before a downward spiral of self doubt began.. Continue reading →