I had been so desperate to heal, I couldn’t see that I was healing all along..

~ On Jan 1, 2020, I sat in my apartment in Kansas City listening to a podcast about the new year coming and I journaled that my word for the year would be “gentle”.

I had no idea what was to come, but 2019 was so awful that I was sure 2020 would be my year to heal and rebuild. Healing sounds peaceful but the journey is incredibly messy. I had no idea what was in store. My world was in shambles and I was living in survival mode.

2020 has shown us many, many times that we MUST be more gentle and compassionate – with ourselves, with others and with our communities.

I’m sure many things come to your own mind when you reflect on 2020.

I struggled with anxiety majority of the year, and it was debilitating to say the least. It left me in a place where I so desperately wanted to heal. But I know that grief and healing run their own course – their own timeline. I was subconsciously trying to speed up my healing because the emotions were too much to handle. I stabilized off a false healing where I was intellectualizing my pain. This was actually preventing me from digging deep.

I share this because I know so many of you have struggled this year. We truly entered survival mode and did whatever we needed to do to make it through – even if that meant returning to old habits or numbing the change and sadness. Celebrities have been vocal about breaking sobriety, gaining weight and so on. It’s OK. We are human.

We are hopeful for 2021 for MANY reasons, right? Even if it’s just another day, the new year represents change, hope, and that’s good to feel. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

A person can only be strong for so long before digging deep and facing the pain is a nonnegotiable.

So here I am, here we are. We are healing. We have taken the turn to a better tomorrow – and because of 2020, we are better prepared to handle whatever comes our way. We are more compassionate, more gentle, more empathetic, more mindful and more present than we have ever been..

Hey December, we’ve been waiting for you to grace us with your presence.