It’s been a nightmare the past couple of weeks.. The most saddening news. I woke up the other day wishing this was all a bad dream and then I cried because this is really happening, yet again, to my mom – our rock.

The word we all hate the most: Cancer.

It’s crazy because I felt like something bad was going to happen, everything was going so good…

Life has handed my family a challenge and sometimes it’s hard knowing what to do with that.. Do we fight, do we resist? I know we have to fight for our family, we have to fight for mom.. She is what keeps our family together.. I fear life without her. I fear losing her.. I fear her going through pain.. I fear her fear.. My heart aches when I try to place myself in her shoes.. My heart aches for my dad.. I ache for me, not knowing what life would be like without her here.. My grief would be forever long.. I’m doubting my own strength. I don’t know what to do. I feel lost in my thoughts sometimes. The tears overpower my mind, all my focus goes to sadness.. I can’t lose her, why God? Why her? Why the most incredible person in this world? I hope you’re giving this challenge to her because you know she can handle it.

It’s like a fog.. A denial in a way.. I feel like I can’t think clear about what’s going on.. It keeps getting worse.. I feel flat, maybe in a shock, I can’t seem to figure it out. She’s so fragile.. Such an angel.. She’s selfless and enjoys the simple things.. She’s delicate and all I want to do is lay with her..

Life is happening, those uncontrollable things that come out of nowhere.. That’s the crazy thing about life, things happen unexpectedly and yet again you realize what’s really important.. The worst part of it is knowing the facts that the doctors are saying.

Keep the faith.. I keep repeating to myself.. Stay positive, stay hopeful.. Love her more and more like never before.

I’m trying to take in every moment, every second, every day spent with mom.. Just the smallest bit of time away from her feels like forever. My heart hurts, my brain hurts, so much information to digest in such little time.. Sadness, denial, negativity.. Happiness, laughter, positivity.. Realistic, truth, facts.. Anger, frustration, helplessness.. Sick to my stomach.. The good news which is still bad news but better than what it could have been.. Knowing there is no cure, fighting with what I want to hear and what I am hearing. Why my mom? Why this woman with a heart of gold? Why the best mother in the world? Why the best person in the world? Why her? Why us? Does this mean we’re strong enough to get through it? Is this God giving us a challenge to grow closer? Is this bad luck? What are these signs of hope we keep getting? The questions that tear me apart.. I cry hard and want to stop but when I’m not crying, I feel heartless.. Lost? Cancer is confusing, it’s complicated.. It’s heartbreaking, it’s evil.. Cancer is the thing I hate most in this world because it takes the good away from this world.. We have hope, we have love, we have each other.. But we’re also human so we have these negative battles in our own heads.. And then we have the facts which hurt the most.. It’s confusing and so complicated.. Don’t take her from me.. Don’t you dare do it. I hate you, cancer. I hate you with all of me.