Grieving, healing, breathing.. Sunday morning, I went to my first in-person Church service since the pandemic started. As my friend and I sat in service, I felt overwhelming emotions as we listened to the message about intentional and shamelessly bold prayers.

I felt something happening in my body. A heaviness but a lightness. It was emotionally moving me. My phone buzzed and a calendar notification came through. It reminded me that my Mom’s funeral service and burial was exactly two years ago on this day. I felt out of breath.

I value honoring space to remember these moments each year. It brings me closer when I feel so far away.

I felt it was no coincidence that I was attending my first in-person church service in over a year on the very day two years ago that we sent my Mom to heaven at the cemetery.

I realized I was wearing heels that my mom had gifted me a few years back. May seem simple, but it felt incredibly symbolic. I truly felt my Mom was with me.

✨ And then it clicked. She is walking in my shoes with me, guiding me back to God and reminding me that she is here in many ways.

I was overwhelmed with so many amazing emotions. Taken back with feeling her presence so strongly.

✨ And then it clicked once more..

I desperately want to feel my Mom’s presence every day. Sometimes, I want it so bad that I know I’m missing it.

Maybe all this time I’ve been looking for her in the wrong places.. Maybe she’s in my feet as I walk to church, maybe she’s the comfort in a hug when I cry, maybe she’s behind my eyes when I admire nature’s beauty, maybe she’s in my hands when I craft and bake, maybe she’s the reminder of my goals and dreams, maybe she’s in my heart when I have meaningful conversations, and maybe she’s been here all along in all the ways I never considered.

Maybe now I am finally in a place to receive it.

Desperately seeking her when she’s been here all along.

Embodied with her spirit.

The heaviness from the wave is no longer crashing down on me, the shore is in sight..

Grief is not my new identity. But discovering myself through the pain is a journey. I enjoy writing through it.

Finding my way.. Aren’t we all?

With your heart in mind and thank you for being a space that welcomes vulnerability,

Dakotah

#grieving #grief #griefjourney #healing #mom #missingyou