When I think back on this past year, May 2016 to the present.. I am often left without a simple thought. This past year was challenging, it was empowering, it was every single emotion possible and sometimes that was just in one day.

May of 2016 was the worst. The most painful part of this past year.. Finding out two days prior to Mother’s Day that my very own mother’s cancer had returned after exactly 10 years in remission. It was back? How could it be that it was back? I remember every single tear and gasp for air like it was yesterday. I remember every single breakdown. I remember crying knowing that my mom was feeling worse than I was. I remember feeling helpless.. and I still do.

As the summer started, things only got worse it seemed. Some family ties weakened and others strengthened. I learned a lot about my mom, about myself, about how others express their feelings and most importantly I discovered yet another view on life. Life is so precious. I’ve known this for a long time but at times I do take it for granted. I don’t mean to, it just get busy and I get.. lost.

Summer time usually heals my soul.. However, my summer was anything but healing. It was hard, it was sad. There were joyful moments being with my Mom. There were memories made in the midst of the pain, many laughs shared.. My mom was feeling better, my sister got married, my boyfriend and I had planned a trip in July. It was good in the midst of the pain. My parents wouldn’t let me not go on the trip in July. They urged me to go, immerse myself in self-care.. Even though it tore me apart walking away that day, I cried so much. But, it was good for me to get away. The multiple reasons for my pain began to heal towards the end.

I began my second year at the high school I work at.. The year was long. I experienced lows and highs. Always depended on the day or the week. I usually hit a really low low around February and snap out of it within a couple weeks but I didn’t this time. It’s still here, with me. My emotions are dependent on the day, on the weather, on what I’m doing. I have reasons for this emotional ride. I just have to remind myself that everything is going to be okay.

I haven’t been the best at keeping in touch with those I love. That’s been going on for a while. It’s not because I don’t care. I am pretty quiet, I think of things after the fact, I don’t always have the best memory and I can be my own worst enemy. Times goes by and soon I “wish I would have”. I hate that feeling.

I’m blessed with a supportive boyfriend who stuck by my side through it all, and I mean every single down, he was right there giving me a should to cry on. He has never once made me feel any less about myself. He helps me through my darkest of days and he always has. Especially when my past creeps up and haunts me for weeks on end, he is there. The shame that hits slowly drifts away and I realize the guilt I feel was never meant for me.

It has been a windy year. This would be the longest post ever if I went into every detail.. I am hopeful this next year will be better.

There’s always good in the midst of pain. #bethegood